What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

On the 31st of Jan this month .

My family never makes their pension either.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

He resisted the act ,that day.

How do you view men and women who cheat?

All the time i was locked up.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Have you ever forcibly sucked someone’s dick?

What did i know ?

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

The only rule us 5 kids had .

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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

He was dying to do it , i knew.

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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Ive learnt so much.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

But, we were locked up after school.

My life is so biszare .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

But ive been too sick for many years..

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Im still living with it.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

She married twice! .

I was 9 years of age.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Would this be the day?

Put me off passion for life!!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I don,t even have a pension.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

As i do to all so called friends.?

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I never cut or harmed myself..

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I couldn’t, believe it.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Was to survive, this bastard.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

It was going to be , some day.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

She wouldn,t have been !

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I said to her

My mum and dad in the seventies!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I write beautiful poetry .

I was seconnd youngest,

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I waited trembling.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

(And it was in our own minds.)

This is how, and why children get BPD.

He knew the spot.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

She was in good health!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

But it wasn’t much.

I think the readers, may guess!

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

We all went to grammer schools

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

We were not on the streets..

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

So, i spoilt her more .

I could never make a relationship work though!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

And i lived it daily.

She loved him until the end.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I did it because my mum asked me too!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Why did i forgive my father ?

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

So whats the point in blame.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She found it foreign!.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

One cannot live in the past .

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I have no regrets .

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

This is soul school!.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Who then, do I blame.?

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Especially a lifetime of it.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I was very sick at this time too.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I was scared of men, in general

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I will be 64.

When she asked me how she looked .

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Comes on , in middle age.